 |
| Strangling: a great way to start your life with another person. |
"The wedding day is the most important day of your [a bride's] life."*
People, it's time that we talked about these phrases. Before I lay the smack down, I want to preface my post with the notion that these are just my opinions and you're entitled to disagree with me. However, I believe that if we started to think more critically about what we're actually insinuating by saying things like this, people would use these phrases (and similar ones) less-often.
Let's start with the former. The point of a marriage is to unify two people, is it not? This unification might be shared with God or another deity, or it could be civil, but it is NEVER just a celebration of one person. Why in the world would a wedding day belong to only the bride (and what if there is no bride, or two brides?)? Did the bride oversee the creative vision of the cake and centerpieces and now has a right to enjoy it alongside of her spouse? Then say that. Does the bride need a little extra wiggle room in the photography timeline because it takes her 15 minutes to pee in the equivalent of a white tulle circus tent wrapped around her body or because the bridesmaids drank too many mimosas and one dropped her bouquet in a puddle? Then say that. But rationalizing a single person's behavior or expectations on the day of her/his formal union to another person makes absolutely no sense. It's not the bride's day. It's not the groom's day. It's the couple's day - or else there would be no marriage to speak of in the first place.
Now, about the wedding day being the "most important day of your life." I can see how this could be true for a given person's life up to the day of marriage. It is a big commitment worth celebrating, and all of the associated pomp and circumstance certainly renders the day an exciting one. I can understand how solidifying a union in a religious matter is a profound turning-point for some couples' life journey in faith. But for those couples who plan to start a family, is your $20,000 sparkle party more important than the day your child/children are born? It is more important than the day you buy your first home together or achieve your dream job or finish that 1st or 2nd or 3rd degree? Or is the wedding day just the first important day on a long list of important days that you and your spouse will share together?
I would love to hear your opinions on this. Am I a whole batch of crazy who happens to take semantics too literally, or does the fact that a bride-strangling-groom cake topper exists make you twitch in your seat a little?
*Edit: Keep the comments coming! Rachael is totally right about the lack of differentiation between "wedding" and "marriage." I agree 100% that the day you commit to marriage - whether that's in the form of an elaborate party called a wedding or simply an elopement on a mountain - does indeed lay the foundation for the rest of your partnership and everything that follows thereafter (kids, house, etc). What I meant to explain my frustration for is the thought that a wedding day is the most important day in a woman's life, as if anything she accomplishes individually will pale in comparison to the day she got married. The 1950's housewife mentality behind that statement is actually what grinds my gears. So feel free to share your thoughts on that distinction as well!
I totally agree with this! I think when so much focus is placed on catering (pun intended) to the bride sets a really bad precedent equality-wise for the rest of the marriage. It seems silly to me to start a life together and, on the very first day, declare that EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME! and I AM HIGH MAINTENANCE! and NO NOT THAT TABLECLOTH! That's not the important stuff about love, and that's not the important stuff about marriage, either. It's about both people creating a way to celebrate with friends and family in a way that reflects them as a couple.
ReplyDeleteYES! I'm with you on the first pet-peeve! That has always driven me nuts. It was like pulling teeth to get my hubby to be involved, but when I explained why, he (mostly) stopped complaining and got on board and took charge with me. For him, he just didn't care much about the details. But I was determined that he have an equal part, voice, vision, etc. in our wedding. In the end, for the most part, he did. And we had a wedding he really loved too (I always feel so bad for grooms who's bride's go off with their mothers planning and make the men wear pink!). It was our day, so I thought we should plan our important day together.
ReplyDeleteAs for the second pet-peeve... I see it as the first important day on a long list of important days the you and your spouse will share together. For me, it was the most important date in my life thus far, and I think it will always rank up at the top. Having kids is definitely important. But usually kids happen b/c of the love and work you've put into your marriage/union/commitment/etc. for one another. It sets a foundation. Same with a house. Usually it comes after you've made some sort of commitment to one another (regardless if you celebrated it or not, i.e. wedding). As for jobs and degrees, I see those more as personal achievements. You celebrate them together, but your spouse if the person you build a life with, do child rearing with, grow old with, and share the rest of your life. Degrees get you places with job and are highly important, but jobs will change through your life. Hopefully your spouse doesn't.
I think people confuse wedding vs marriage. Wedding is the party and celebration of your commitment. Marriage is the actual commitment. Leading up to it, your wedding is the big day b/c that's when the commitment becomes official and where everything happens. But after, the marriage is what's important and the thing you keep celebrating. Now that I've been married for a few years, "the wedding" hasn't been the most important day in my life, it was the marriage. Making it official. But they happened on the same day, at the same time.
Buying our first home together was equally important (for me). I'm sure kids will be very important. But those things wouldn't happen (for me, personally) without the commitment with my spouse.
Sorry so long...